Journey of a single mom....

Its been 10.5 months since Maegan has graced us with her presence. Everytime has been an adventure watching her turn into a little girl, from and infant. We have started walking, babbling, talking..Oh I could just go on and on about her. But one thing remains constant; Alex has yet to do anything productive.

When I was pregnant, I was nervous thatg Alex wasn't going to be a good dad. It freaked me out and worried me, because I knew how he was. Hes lazy when it comes to being proactive, hes passive aggressive, and God forbid he takes life by the balls for once. However, he loves Maegan. I guess that works?

I have done more for myh daughter than I can begin to say. I know motherhood isnt easy, I didnt say it was. But, when you are in a commited relationship for someone for 4 years, one would think that the other party would be there.

Maegan was born via c-section; I litterally had my intestines pulled out in pushed back just to deliver her. I remember the first day I was with her, I was so sick and in so much pain, that I couldnt pick her up without screaming for mercy. Alex could only take 1 week off...so he waited until I was discharged on that Sunday to begin his week. I spent every night in the hospital alone and in pain...(however the meds soon made me feel better) He would race hom eafter work and then down to the hsopital...where I had been with her all day.

When we were discharged, we went home and I couldn't move. I had a tempature of 103, and my incision was bright red. Alex did nost of the feedings and changes etc, while I rested. That all changed.

The first month dragged. I had the help of my parents, sister, and family friend Raquel while I recoverd. I could barely move, but I was taking care of my baby, while Alex would leave everynight to go home so he could get up ontime for work the next day.

Flashforward 10 months later, Im still in the same position. Maegan recently came down with Roseola, a virus that leads to high temps, diarrhea and a fever...I was up with Maegan every hour on the hour. Alex was home sleeping. He had known that I wasnt sleeping, and that she was sick, he stayed home and slept, because he had to get up for work. This weekend was July 4th. I stayed home all weekend, and took care of her. He left Monday afternoon to be with his parents and family while his fiance and daughter were home. I missed out on fireworks and BBQs with close friends, Does this seem fair? I dont think so. What can I say? Hes a mommy's boy...and his family means more to him than his daughter apparently.

Everynight he goes home to his parents house while I sacrifice my sleep & sanity for my child. Its like a bad episode of 16 and pregnant. I feel like a single mom. I work fulltime, and shes always first in my book, no matter what. I have to ask him to come down and watch her on my late night (11:30-8), I get grief for that. I ask him to condtantly change her, I get grief about that. He fights with me, about buying her diapers because he doesnt have the money. Hes turninginto a lazy D.B.D! I would starve so my child could eat! I would weat a potato sack so my daugther didnt have to be cold. Why is this so foreign for him?

I know what you're thinking, have I talked to him about this? I have. Numerous times. I have talked about why, who, what, when you name it, it has been discussed. I have also talked about if things don't work out, shes getting my last name, and no longer carrying his. I have talked about, how any man can donate sperm and be a father, but a real man is a dad. But apparently thats not sinking in..

I love my daughter, she is my world. I would do anything for her.

Depression or Guilt?

I find myself lately, wallowing. Wallowing in the self pity, bottomless pit I have created. Every inch, I have dug myself. I have dug so deep, and so far that the light is becoming dimmer and dimmer everyday. Lately, I havent talked much about my feelings, with Alex nor anyone close, so maybe if I put them out into the open I will be able to feel better.

Maegan is my precious everything. My morning, my night, my entire life. Eveything I ever wanted or needed, ends up in her eyes, gleeming back at me, so why do I still feel sad and lonely? I cry sometimes at night, thinking maybe Im not supposed to be a mother. I think, 'God, am I doing everything right? Is everything supposed to be this way?' I cant even begin to tell you yes or no. Am I bonded with her? Does she love me? Why do I feel better with time by myself? Why do I feel guilty about leaving her everyday? Why am I thinking these things?
Truth of the matter, is I cant help finding myself asking these questions. They keep me up at night.

I think the real questions should be, Do I feel guilty about being a working mother?
I think so. I feel horrible leaving her everyday, even though she is in the care of my mother who raised me. I know nothing will happen and that she is safe and doing well, I just feel like Im letting her down. On the other hand, Im not. Im working my tail off trying to make a living so she doesnt go hungry. So that she will never know the term "paycheck to paycheck" Im losing sleep because I need to make sure she is taken care of.

I understand that every working mother feels like this. It hurts. I feel guilty. Period.

Just about 5 Months in on Motherhood..

They werent kidding when they said "motherhood doesn't come with a manual, its more or less an on the job training" I can attest to that. There are days where I feel so worn thin, that I can't begin to imagine anything left of me. Circles, have begun to invade my before perfectly smooth under eyes. My body wants to shut down due to lack of sleep and energy, But I can't. I have this strong urge that keeps me going. It keeps adding fuel to the fire making it able to go and to burn for 24 hours straight if need be. That urge, is my sweet Maegan.

Who would of thought that 5 months would fly? Pregnancy was nothing like this, and I have a theory. Pregnancy resembles christmas. You wait almost a whole year to find out what your getting and you just cant wait, so the days drag and cluster together. Woman who have had children, tell me all the time "Enjoy it now, its flies" They arent kidding. Just yesterday I was 9 months pregnant and sweating from every orifice in my body. I couldnt sleep, eat, walk or even communicate with human kind due to lack of enthusiasm. All I could imagine is being able to see my feet, and be at the beckon call of my sweet little girl.

Each month brings a new discovery. This month was her voice. She yells and shrieks, then procedes to look around and smile to see if anyone noticed her. Silly little girl. She has stolen my heart and makes everyday laughable. Seeing her bright blue eyes looking at me with a 2 teeth smile just melts my hardened exterior.