Depression or Guilt?

I find myself lately, wallowing. Wallowing in the self pity, bottomless pit I have created. Every inch, I have dug myself. I have dug so deep, and so far that the light is becoming dimmer and dimmer everyday. Lately, I havent talked much about my feelings, with Alex nor anyone close, so maybe if I put them out into the open I will be able to feel better.

Maegan is my precious everything. My morning, my night, my entire life. Eveything I ever wanted or needed, ends up in her eyes, gleeming back at me, so why do I still feel sad and lonely? I cry sometimes at night, thinking maybe Im not supposed to be a mother. I think, 'God, am I doing everything right? Is everything supposed to be this way?' I cant even begin to tell you yes or no. Am I bonded with her? Does she love me? Why do I feel better with time by myself? Why do I feel guilty about leaving her everyday? Why am I thinking these things?
Truth of the matter, is I cant help finding myself asking these questions. They keep me up at night.

I think the real questions should be, Do I feel guilty about being a working mother?
I think so. I feel horrible leaving her everyday, even though she is in the care of my mother who raised me. I know nothing will happen and that she is safe and doing well, I just feel like Im letting her down. On the other hand, Im not. Im working my tail off trying to make a living so she doesnt go hungry. So that she will never know the term "paycheck to paycheck" Im losing sleep because I need to make sure she is taken care of.

I understand that every working mother feels like this. It hurts. I feel guilty. Period.

Just about 5 Months in on Motherhood..

They werent kidding when they said "motherhood doesn't come with a manual, its more or less an on the job training" I can attest to that. There are days where I feel so worn thin, that I can't begin to imagine anything left of me. Circles, have begun to invade my before perfectly smooth under eyes. My body wants to shut down due to lack of sleep and energy, But I can't. I have this strong urge that keeps me going. It keeps adding fuel to the fire making it able to go and to burn for 24 hours straight if need be. That urge, is my sweet Maegan.

Who would of thought that 5 months would fly? Pregnancy was nothing like this, and I have a theory. Pregnancy resembles christmas. You wait almost a whole year to find out what your getting and you just cant wait, so the days drag and cluster together. Woman who have had children, tell me all the time "Enjoy it now, its flies" They arent kidding. Just yesterday I was 9 months pregnant and sweating from every orifice in my body. I couldnt sleep, eat, walk or even communicate with human kind due to lack of enthusiasm. All I could imagine is being able to see my feet, and be at the beckon call of my sweet little girl.

Each month brings a new discovery. This month was her voice. She yells and shrieks, then procedes to look around and smile to see if anyone noticed her. Silly little girl. She has stolen my heart and makes everyday laughable. Seeing her bright blue eyes looking at me with a 2 teeth smile just melts my hardened exterior.