Life with a toddler

Toddler years. The time where a child realizes "hey! Wait a sec, I'm my own person!?!) And takes you for a ride..

As a mom, I now know what love is, but, now I know what life is. Life with a toddler is hard. To me it consists of scanning, cooking, yelling, crying...running, chasing... its all way to much at times.

Maegan, is like all toddlers; rambunctious. She will throw a fit in the grocery line, yell at the top of her lungs to make sure I hear her clearly, push food away because she doesn't like it (even though she ate it yesterday), try to dress herself, undress herself, climb furniture like she is on an expedition... Toddler behavior.

My little girl will be 26 months on 10/11/12, but has an attitude of a 15 year old. Nothing I do is right, however, I know I'm doing it right when she says "Aww I wuv you mommy, I like you. You Maegans buddy" I can't be doing everything wrong. She is a smart, beautiful intelligent little lady. She can count to 10, knows her ABC's, and colors. She eats practically by herself, and opens the fridge to get her milk when she's thirsty. It's quite.comical to watch.

Two years ago was the hardest part of parenting now that I look back. I didn't sleep, and I felt contained. Life with a toddler is hard, but its joyous in the same respect. She's able to have freedom, and we have conversations now. We read stories, color and watch some cartoons together. In all honesty, I kind of feel like a pro.

Now what?

This has been one wild ride!

Maegan is now 8 weeks old. She lifts her head and turns it side to side. She giggles, coos and laughs. She is the apple of my eye. However there are times where I feel like I can't do this. It may just be a first time mom thing, but I freak out when she cries and I can't meet her needs.

She is 12lbs 2 ounces at 24 1/2 inches long! She no longer fits into 0-3 clothes, so I had to go out and by brand new 3-6 month clothes!

A year ago...

One year ago today, I was sitting on my toilet with my head in my hands. Empty boxes surronded the toilet, and pregnancy sticks cluttered the kitched sink. The pain in my gut, not from morning sickness, but from doubt in myself and taking care of someone. I could barely take care of myself. I was living in fast forward, going 100mph with no stop button. Careless was a way to put it. Why now!? How was it possible that I could be pregnant? I fantham together a sequence of events to try to make sense. Nothing. I sat there for an hour starring, worrying, crying...what was I going to do? I was in no shape, or form for a baby.

It seemed like a whirlwind the next few weeks. Alex was already mad at me, and refused to talk to me for a few days. I felt so alone. I finally mustered up the courage to speak to my mom. I peed on one more test; I had taken 5 tests, 2 digital and 3 EPT. So I showed her the faint pink lines, and she laughed. Laughing!? "Are you kidding me? Do you think this a joke?" I shouted. Then began a conversation of protection, talks since I was little, etc. So she told my dad and from there only a few select people knew. I didnt want to get judged, because I wasnt married to the man I had been dating for 3 years at the time, nor had we had our own place.

I think in all reality, it was time. I had no real sense of responsibility, and I think it was Gods way of showing me something that I needed. I know I talk about it a lot but I strongly believe that Maegan was brought here on purpose. My little girl, MY LITTLE GIRL. It is still something to get used to; I have a daughter. She is the most gorgeous creature I have ever seen, Perfection.

Journey of a single mom....

Its been 10.5 months since Maegan has graced us with her presence. Everytime has been an adventure watching her turn into a little girl, from and infant. We have started walking, babbling, talking..Oh I could just go on and on about her. But one thing remains constant; Alex has yet to do anything productive.

When I was pregnant, I was nervous thatg Alex wasn't going to be a good dad. It freaked me out and worried me, because I knew how he was. Hes lazy when it comes to being proactive, hes passive aggressive, and God forbid he takes life by the balls for once. However, he loves Maegan. I guess that works?

I have done more for myh daughter than I can begin to say. I know motherhood isnt easy, I didnt say it was. But, when you are in a commited relationship for someone for 4 years, one would think that the other party would be there.

Maegan was born via c-section; I litterally had my intestines pulled out in pushed back just to deliver her. I remember the first day I was with her, I was so sick and in so much pain, that I couldnt pick her up without screaming for mercy. Alex could only take 1 week off...so he waited until I was discharged on that Sunday to begin his week. I spent every night in the hospital alone and in pain...(however the meds soon made me feel better) He would race hom eafter work and then down to the hsopital...where I had been with her all day.

When we were discharged, we went home and I couldn't move. I had a tempature of 103, and my incision was bright red. Alex did nost of the feedings and changes etc, while I rested. That all changed.

The first month dragged. I had the help of my parents, sister, and family friend Raquel while I recoverd. I could barely move, but I was taking care of my baby, while Alex would leave everynight to go home so he could get up ontime for work the next day.

Flashforward 10 months later, Im still in the same position. Maegan recently came down with Roseola, a virus that leads to high temps, diarrhea and a fever...I was up with Maegan every hour on the hour. Alex was home sleeping. He had known that I wasnt sleeping, and that she was sick, he stayed home and slept, because he had to get up for work. This weekend was July 4th. I stayed home all weekend, and took care of her. He left Monday afternoon to be with his parents and family while his fiance and daughter were home. I missed out on fireworks and BBQs with close friends, Does this seem fair? I dont think so. What can I say? Hes a mommy's boy...and his family means more to him than his daughter apparently.

Everynight he goes home to his parents house while I sacrifice my sleep & sanity for my child. Its like a bad episode of 16 and pregnant. I feel like a single mom. I work fulltime, and shes always first in my book, no matter what. I have to ask him to come down and watch her on my late night (11:30-8), I get grief for that. I ask him to condtantly change her, I get grief about that. He fights with me, about buying her diapers because he doesnt have the money. Hes turninginto a lazy D.B.D! I would starve so my child could eat! I would weat a potato sack so my daugther didnt have to be cold. Why is this so foreign for him?

I know what you're thinking, have I talked to him about this? I have. Numerous times. I have talked about why, who, what, when you name it, it has been discussed. I have also talked about if things don't work out, shes getting my last name, and no longer carrying his. I have talked about, how any man can donate sperm and be a father, but a real man is a dad. But apparently thats not sinking in..

I love my daughter, she is my world. I would do anything for her.

Depression or Guilt?

I find myself lately, wallowing. Wallowing in the self pity, bottomless pit I have created. Every inch, I have dug myself. I have dug so deep, and so far that the light is becoming dimmer and dimmer everyday. Lately, I havent talked much about my feelings, with Alex nor anyone close, so maybe if I put them out into the open I will be able to feel better.

Maegan is my precious everything. My morning, my night, my entire life. Eveything I ever wanted or needed, ends up in her eyes, gleeming back at me, so why do I still feel sad and lonely? I cry sometimes at night, thinking maybe Im not supposed to be a mother. I think, 'God, am I doing everything right? Is everything supposed to be this way?' I cant even begin to tell you yes or no. Am I bonded with her? Does she love me? Why do I feel better with time by myself? Why do I feel guilty about leaving her everyday? Why am I thinking these things?
Truth of the matter, is I cant help finding myself asking these questions. They keep me up at night.

I think the real questions should be, Do I feel guilty about being a working mother?
I think so. I feel horrible leaving her everyday, even though she is in the care of my mother who raised me. I know nothing will happen and that she is safe and doing well, I just feel like Im letting her down. On the other hand, Im not. Im working my tail off trying to make a living so she doesnt go hungry. So that she will never know the term "paycheck to paycheck" Im losing sleep because I need to make sure she is taken care of.

I understand that every working mother feels like this. It hurts. I feel guilty. Period.

Just about 5 Months in on Motherhood..

They werent kidding when they said "motherhood doesn't come with a manual, its more or less an on the job training" I can attest to that. There are days where I feel so worn thin, that I can't begin to imagine anything left of me. Circles, have begun to invade my before perfectly smooth under eyes. My body wants to shut down due to lack of sleep and energy, But I can't. I have this strong urge that keeps me going. It keeps adding fuel to the fire making it able to go and to burn for 24 hours straight if need be. That urge, is my sweet Maegan.

Who would of thought that 5 months would fly? Pregnancy was nothing like this, and I have a theory. Pregnancy resembles christmas. You wait almost a whole year to find out what your getting and you just cant wait, so the days drag and cluster together. Woman who have had children, tell me all the time "Enjoy it now, its flies" They arent kidding. Just yesterday I was 9 months pregnant and sweating from every orifice in my body. I couldnt sleep, eat, walk or even communicate with human kind due to lack of enthusiasm. All I could imagine is being able to see my feet, and be at the beckon call of my sweet little girl.

Each month brings a new discovery. This month was her voice. She yells and shrieks, then procedes to look around and smile to see if anyone noticed her. Silly little girl. She has stolen my heart and makes everyday laughable. Seeing her bright blue eyes looking at me with a 2 teeth smile just melts my hardened exterior.

Its been awhile since I have updated my blog. I usually am so extroverted, that it is hard to even put my thoughts on paper or electronically even. I like to verbalize my thoughts and my skills often, however, after reading through my 2 previous posts, I feel the need to update.

Maegan Rose was born August 11th, @ 11:42am after 37 grueling hours of labor, via cesearan. Her orginal EDD was August 17th, but do to complications at the end of my pregnancy (gestational hypertension) I was induced @ 39 weeks to deliver her before any further complications arose.

At 36 weeks it was harder to walk, waork,sleep and eat. I would be up constantly 4-5 times a night from heartburn, need to use the bathroom, insomnia, or anxiety about the pregnancy. I had to be up for work and out the door by 7:30am Monday-Friday and it was taking a strain on my body. I could feel it.

When 37 weeks rolled around I had my first 1 week prenatal visit. I walked into my Dr's office where I had an internal done (I was 1 cm and 30% effaced, still posterior and high) had a urine sample and blood pressure done. I had +1 of protein in my urine and elevated blood pressure of 148/88 the first reading and the second reading was 150/88. Because it was so high I needed a NST or nonstress trest to elevuate the baby. Maegan was thriving and moving. I believe her heart rate baseline was 148-150. Doctors were amazed. Wasn't quite sure why at the time.

Throughout the next 2 weeks, I was in and out of the Dr's office and hospital 4-5 times a week. When week 38 rolled around, and my blood pressure had sky rocketed to 162/94 and and I still had protein in my urine. My Dr advised that I needed to be kept overnight for observation. So I was admitted to the antenatal unit at Woman and Infants Hospital for the night (needed a 24hr urine collection and to keep my bp monitored. Mind you, at 37 weeks I already had a 24 urine collectuon but did not stay over in the hospital) It was a Wednesday night Alex stayed with me. I was stressed. I was big, miserable and to boot the pregnancy was soing a number on my body and they couldnt figure out what was going on, so test after test to rule out Pre Eclampsia. If I had over 300 levels of protein in 24 hours I would go for induction that night. Having protein with high bp is a sign of Pre Eclampsia and would need to get the baby out asap before the placenta would break downand injure the baby. I talked with the nurses/Drs and because my bp was an issue, I was going to be induced, just needed to make sure. On Thursday morning I went to another ulatrasound. The baby was measuring give or take 8lbs 14 ounces at 38weeks 2days along, and the placenta looked great! With the results coming in, I had little under 180 of protein in my urine during a 24 hour period. So I was scheduled to be induced at 39weeks. Finally there was an answer and end to the madness. I had gestational hypertension and my body was not doing well with the extra weight, and the added volume of blood in my body. She needed to come out soon, and by law, the earliest she was to be born was 39 weeks, no earlier.

On August 9th, I went in at 7pm to begin mysoplex (I think) to being effacing and dilating my cervix. Alex and I were nervous. The months of wondering and the ultrasounds, doctors, sickness, you name it were finallyu coming to an end. Maegan Rose was going to be born soon!

Walking into the hospital with my labor bag and holding Alex's hand, I felt elated. I was shown my room for the night and was put on IV, nausea medicine and monitored throughout the whole night. Around 11pm on the 9th, I began contracting every 4-5 minutes, but to no avail they were not changing my cervix. I called the nurse and was given morphine to at least let me sleep a few hours before I would be given pitocin.

5:30 am on the 10th, I was taken to my room on the delivery floor. God! I cant even explain the feeling in my stomach, well beside the baby and the fact I hadn't eaten since 6pm the night before. I was excited and couldn't help smiling! I was finally going to see MY baby. The little kidney bean I had seen at 9weeks is finally a baby girl and is going to be in my arms within 24hrs. A tear welled up in my eyes as I started settleing in. I took a deep breath and allowed more IV's to administerd...However little did I know this was going to be the calm before the storm.

In a nutshell, the pitocin didn't really start changin my cervix until around 5pm that night; I had gotten to 4cm and 60% effaced and short, slow but steady. Between 5pm and 11pm that night was a blur. I remember getting the epidural, my water breaking and feeling back labor as my epidural wore off throughout the night.

At 7ish Wednesday morning which was the 11th, I began pushing. I had labored down from 11pm the night before until 7 to try and sleep. It didn't work. I pushed and pushed until 1030am but Maegan was not coming out. Finally the cheif resident advised that after a quick internal check, her shoulders were stuck and her head was not molding properly. In order to get the baby out, it was a cesearean or using the vaccuum/forceps and run the risk of breaking the baby's shoulders....I elected csecction.

At 11:42am, after being prepped and waiting for an open OR, Maegan Rose Wilkinson was finally born. I would go through the entire pain and frustration of feeling the entire csection, but thats neither here or there. What matters is I got some decent drugs and she was born healthy and beautiful. 9lbs even and 21 1/2 inches long. Alex said he cried.

It has been 7-8 weeks now and she is amazing. Adding weight steadily and growing like a weed. Everyday she makes me smile and adds a little more sunshine into my heart. I love her so much.....My little Muffin!